As seeds fall from the stock and enter a dark place for a long time before emerging into the sunlight, so we also wait for the coming spring. Twenty months ago, during weeks of intense and unrelenting spiritual warfare, we prayed desperately for wisdom. Then in mid-April 2014, Conrad’s sister sent web videos about Xanax addiction and withdrawal, shocking us to our core! Xanax, pushed by “Big Pharma” to clueless doctors, is more addictive than heroin and will eventually destroy both mind and body! We realized my husband’s intense and debilitating “spiritual warfare” began in February when he cut back on this medication.

Our family doctors had prescribed Xanax for my husband’s chest pressure and a lesser amount for my Familial Tremors. We had absolutely no idea of the 186 possible (probable) side effects, the severity of the addiction, or the hell of withdrawal. We took a fraction of the prescription to sleep at night, accepting our dependance as diabetics need insulin. Not a big deal, or so we thought! We attributed the side-effects to normal aging (but strangely accelerated) and to accumulated stress of years in ministry.

After watching the videos, Conrad never took another Xanax! In intense torment he said, “I’m fighting for my life!” I had stopped Xanax in December after conferring with my naturopath and experienced acute anxiety, trembling, and increased muscle pain. We were in the middle of moving and I unpacked our entire house by myself with amazing drive and nervous energy. Conrad’s withdrawal was debilitating. He could not sleep or eat and lost twenty pounds over six weeks as noted in our family photo. We also learned that after the acute stage, the second stage can last from six to thirty-six months!

In his extreme agitation he sought counselors, prayer warriors, doctors, and had the elders pray over him. . . twice! We played Christian music, devoured the Scriptures, and prayed without ceasing. We already follow a healthy diet, walk a mile or two several times a week, and drink pro-biotic smoothies every morning. We asked God to search and know our hearts for any wicked way in us (and surely there is!). I e-mailed my cousin, a Christian Psychologist in LA, who said that although the enemy takes advantage, Conrad was experiencing typical drug-withdrawal symptoms.

Prayerful friends strongly suggested Conrad receive treatment at the Center for Professional Excellence in Nashville, Tennessee, something we could never afford. However, by God’s gracious provision, he left for Nashville on July 6 of 2014, just after our Peters’ reunion. We had no communication for eight weeks except one ten-minute phone call per week.

Thankfully, CPE carried him through the most intense time, giving me respite from his relentless agitation. What I’ve witnessed over these past twenty months can best be described as a drug-induced portal opened in his brain into the demonic world. The mental “hallucinations” are things demons would say, “You missed the grace of God,” “You will miss the Rapture,” “A Christian wouldn’t have these thoughts!” “You are going to hell!” However, every night the “portal” closes enough for us to pray together in faith and hope once again.

What value do the dark clouds of suffering play into our Christian world view? Why do we think our lives should only reflect the sunshine of upbeat, cheerful, abundant living? Why do we fall prey to the enemy’s lies that something is wrong with us because we struggle? How on earth will unbelievers be drawn to Christ if they see us struggle? So. . . in response, we begin to pretend, to stuff, or deny what we actually go through. What is the result of refusing to embrace our human suffering? Our spiritual life becomes plastic, which so disappoints truly hungry and thirsty seekers.

A seed pod falls to the ground, entombs beneath autumn rains, and suspends in winter’s freeze. When spring rains fall and sun warms the earth, that once lovely outer shell rots. Any self-righteousness, self-sufficiency, self-glory, or self-gratification we seek must also die. In God’s sweet but severe mercy, we find ourselves buried somewhere deep within a dark place—a place of suffering, a place where the endosperm can finally awaken, reach for the relational warmth of God’s Son, and become genuinely fruitful.

Peter exhorts us, Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1Peter 5:6-11

Though still sixteen months short of the thirty-six month withdrawal time, Conrad seemed to turn a corner about three weeks ago. Though still present, the anxiety and anger over these unrelenting intrusive thoughts noticeably lessened and motivation and energy has increased. I cry out with the psalmist, I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. Psa. 27:13-14 NASB

No longer writing from a historical script, I begin a blank page expecting God to redeem our lives. Track with me in the weeks and months ahead as God’s sovereign plan unfolds to overturn what the enemy meant for evil into our good, your encouragement, and God’s amazing glory!

Post Script
If you or anyone you know takes a Benzodiazepine. Please type these titles into your web browser for more information:
“Xanax – More addictive Than Heroin”.
“3 Gwen Olsen Personal Addiction”
“Ex Pharmaceutical Rep Speaks Out”
“Benzo Withdrawal Welcome to Hell Full.”